My husband was shot!

Yes you read the title correct! Never have I been so scared in my life and gosh did it all go down in a crazy way. Wrong place, wrong time has never been so scary!

Picture this.. cooking dinner for the family and you get a call "babe, I'm in the hospital, I got shot". I really thought it was a joke and he was trying to play me because he was running late so I responded "haha very funny, what time you getting home cause dinner is nearly ready". When he said "babe, I'm at ***** come now, come now" my heart sank, I went numb and I immediately went into action mode. One thing I never realised was that I am very good at getting things in order in the heat of the moment. I made sure Ivy was watched and I drove down to that hospital in such a calm manner, parked the car and even paid for a damn ticket then quickly rushed to the emergency room. The women at the front desk seemed to take their sweet time in telling me where my husband was but that's another story. I got to where he was and there were police outside... the moment the officer told me he was alive and okay, my knees buckled and a river flowed from my eyeballs. I never felt such fear, joy, sadness, confusion, anger, worry and shock all at the same damn time. It was overwhelming!

Since then life for me has not been the same. I fell into the worst downward mental spiral and could not sleep, eat and function properly but I kept insisting I was okay and would find myself diverting conversations and cracking jokes with people. Cracking jokes while my husband was in hospital... having surgery... during a pandemic. My sister was calling me damn near every hour for a good 2 weeks and when my husband started feeling better in hospital, I would call him just so I could hear him on the phone while I try to sleep - It never worked though because as soon as he hung up, your girls eyes shot open quicker than you can say sleep! - It was hell!

Now I'm going to let you know from this point, I'm not going to be talking about what happened, that's his story to tell the world should he want to not mine, so please do not ask me about it. I'm just here to tell you a little of what I have been (and still am) dealing with. I've been quiet for a reason...

"How are you so skinny?"

Let me tell you right now... stress. All that hard work I had put in with Julius (my Personal Trainer) just fizzled away because of all the madness that has been November - present. For those that don’t know, summer 2020, pre-lock down number 567 when gyms were still open, I got myself a PT because I wanted to gain some weight, work on my physical & mental health, feel better about myself and just be fit. I started and was loving the journey. November 2020, my husband was shot. All of it stopped, joss like dat.

I stopped eating, not because I wanted to but because I genuinely would just forget as a result of everything I had flying through my head (still sometimes do). I stopped sleeping because my mind would just not allow me and I still have nights like that. My mind has been on high alert since the shooting that I’m forever thinking about contingency plans, and plans for plans, and trying to think about the plans I may not have planned. I go through checklists and go over checklists for the checklists in my head. It's been an absolute nightmare.

I’m so conscious of my surroundings, a car could be going the same direction as me and I’m thinking this is it, this is how I die and boom... chest pains. It’s not fun and it’s so bizarre that this is my reality and the ish I have to face at the moment. Complex PTSD, severe anxiety and mild depression. I struggle to believe myself because no one can go through so much and still be able to function if it’s that bad right? Wrong. I’m coasting. I’m on airplane mode a lot of the time and when I come out of it, it’s hard to continue on as normal. Sometimes it’s hard to just get out of bed. Now don't get me wrong, as heavy as this may all sound, I am in a much better place than I was at the end of 2020 and even the beginning of this year but things are still a little rough.

I write all this to say...

1. It's important to talk about the things you are facing. I've realised that more now than ever before because even the professionals don't understand how I am able to function with just the little I have told them has been going on in my head, with my emotions and now the physical manifestations. We live in a culture that tells us to just suck it up keep going, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and just carry on! It's not healthy to do that. The ability to process and work through what you have experienced, taking time where needed is beyond important.

2. It’s so important to have a supportive tribe around you! Not everyone is there for you in the way that you may think and it’s important to know who you can turn to when your world is on fire! Going through life the last 7 months made me really see who MY people are. Those people that know you well enough to know when even you are lying to yourself and will guide you towards getting you help. Those that will check on you and really would drop everything if they hear anything wrong in your voice. Those that will pray with you, fast with you and help you get to sleep when you are struggling. Those that will drive all the way from the other side of England without hesitation the moment you ask them to. I can count them on one hand and I am truly blessed to have them!

If you or anyone you know is going through it please talk! Please find the help because life just throws a lot at times and it’s not always easy to navigate through it alone.

A great UK helpline directory:

https://helplines.org/helplines/