Trauma

***Trigger warning, sexual abuse discussed***

"It sounds like your uncle was a paedophile and you feel you were never protected from him"

Friday 12 March 2021 I'm in my therapy session and damn this woman was coming at me with all kinds of sense and logical violence! She came at me with the truth and she was not about to let me lie to myself! I hated it! It was so painful to listen to someone tell me the truth about a situation I thought I had dealt with. When I tell you I cried like a baby.... yeah.

This all in the week of Sarah Everard's body being found and then hearing about the many cases of other women. Reading a lot of men openly say "yeah but she...." was beyond infuriating but also not a surprise to me. Friday evening all I could say to my husband was "I'm really really sad and in pain". Putting to words everything that was going on in my head was beyond difficult, and all I could do was just cry on his chest and he let me.

Saturday I woke up and cleaned the hell out of the bathroom and spoke to my sister a little of what had happened. One of the things I started thinking about was how are families protecting women from the men? There has been open talk about things men in general could do (which I 100% agree with) and how parents need to be educating their sons (which I also agree with). One thing I have found is not a common practice within the African community, is calling out that slightly weird uncle at the wedding or that older male cousin that all the girls just tell each other to stay away from.

It’s not common amongst males to call out BS on their friends. It’s very common that women will blame the other woman when they are reaching out for help in situations that involve men (which is quite saddening and something I have personally experienced) especially if they themselves are close to the men etc. It's all just left me with questions I'm not sure I am able to answer or any one person can answer if I'm being honest...

Why are we forcing children to give hugs & kisses when they have said no?

When I went through that traumatic experience as a young girl, one of the things I can remember is feeling an overwhelming fear in the moment and then also feeling like I could not stop it. Forcing kids to "show respect" by constantly having them do things such as hugging and kissing adults when they don't want to will make them feel like they have no choice in what happens to them especially if its to do with an aunt or in my case, an uncle. To top it off they will, in most cases, feel as though they cannot turn to you as the parent when something happens that they do not think was right. They become conflicted about what their gut is telling them is wrong and what they have been told is 'respectful' and right. - There is deeper reading that can be done about this.

Why are we protecting that funny uncle?

I've never understood why the men in families will not call out that uncle. And yes right now I am focusing on the men. Saying to a girl "oh don't be upset, you know what uncle is like" has never sat well with me. It now becomes the problem of the female child to deal with (on top of everything else) instead of the person whom the problem actually sits with. One thing I would really love to see normalised is uncles and male cousins going ham on that funny uncle because it's not right. Why is the funny uncle even invited to the gatherings if everyone seems to 'know what he is like'.. why does he get to enjoy the party whilst instilling fear on the younger girls of the family because let's be honest, that's what's happening.

Why are you protecting the seasoning adding, story telling friend?

This is such a big one! Too many times I have heard of situations where a guy has added maggie cube, chilli and all kinds of seasoning to a story that really had nothing more to it than “we kissed and that was it”. Male friends will sit there and listen and not call their people out when they know damn well nothing even remotely close to what they have been told happened. They won’t call their friend out on the BS and there is always a thousand and one excuses of why it doesn't happen.

This is so damaging because others in that same group of friends may get the wrong idea and feel they can force themselves on the girl/woman being spoken about. Anything could happen should she be alone and be vulnerable! But that's never thought of when the tales are being told. What’s so wrong with just saying things as they are or pulling your friend to the side and telling them they need to fix up? If you cannot be that honest with your friend or family then something surely must be wrong?

The “you're the common denominator“ narrative.

Whilst a part of me can understand why people may use this, it can be very damaging because people do not follow logic the way math equations do. It’s saying to someone “if you are the constant in the problems then you must be the problem”... NO! Whilst sometimes this may be so, that’s not always the case! The “problem“ could actually be that everyone is so used to one way of thinking/being and making excuses for each other, that when someone comes and goes against the grain, there is a lot of friction. The inability of others to speak up, say their truth and own their BS is the actual problem in that case, not the person!

Why am I writing about this?

It's important for us all to be able to say out loud when we believe things are not right. It's important for us to protect children from things they will not be able to understand, our friends from things we do not believe are right, our family from other family members who you can see will cause harm. The life long and devastating effects that abuse in it's many different forms can cause are ones that can be avoided if we were able to just speak up and call out the BS as a start.

I have dealt with memory loss because my brain literally did all it could to protect me from the trauma I faced at a young age, anxiety because when it all did start coming back I was just a teen and had no idea what the heck was happening to me, depression because this one thing affected so many different aspects of me and I struggled to see my worth, PTSD - constant flashbacks, night sweats and tears because of that trauma and other things I have faced since. Am I healed and completely fine now? Definitely not, but I am far better than I used to be! I am able to open up (to an extent) and talk about it.

I want my daughter to live a life that isn't filled with fear like mine has been. The reason I write this is because I want her to have more than fear following her. More than pain as her shadow for half her life. More than disappointment from those that surround her and are meant to be there for her. Let's teach our boys (and men) to be better humans to the opposite sex and let's continue to teach our girls to be careful. Unfortunately we still have to teach these life saving lessons to the girls because there is a long way to go before we are even a shred better as a society.

What are you doing to help make things a little easier for the next generation of girls? For yourself? For people like me?