What's it really like to be married?

I've found that being one of the first in my circle to get married, I've been asked this question a lot. Speaking to my girls recently and one of the things that we started talking about was how it seems as though in this generation people are so quick to divorce once married. The line we see a lot on social media from some men "women of this generation need to be more like the older generation" also came up.... booiii

What do you think?

Marriage is not to be taken lightly and is a massive challenge. People say this but I don't think everyone really deeps it. You are connecting yourself to someone for life. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. I don't even think I really understood this until I was married but I know I definitely thought about it a lot more than some people do. People these days seem to strive for and put a lot of though into the wedding day without really putting as much thought into the life after the wedding days and that is where a lot of issues steam from. I know I can sound like I'm not for marriage but all my life I was always told marriage is this amazing thing that as a woman you should strive for and I was never really given the real until I was already married and the aunties and mothers started telling me their stories. I love being married to my husband so don't get it twisted. I just like to highlight that it's not the Cinderella story we get fed.

There has been an occasion where me and my husband nearly went our separate ways. We really went through a tough time and it seemed as though it was fight after fight and things kept escalating until one day we both blew and I left the house for a few weeks. It was all exhausting. This came after our daughter was born. When they say a lot of things change when you have a baby, it is so true. Counselling is the one thing that really helped us as a couple and everything we learnt we still use till this day. I have found that there is a higher level of communication that is needed at every stage in your marital life. Going from boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife requires you to level up so much, going from husband and wife to parents requires you to level up x2. The next stages in which you need to level up... I will let you know once I get that revelation but I'm so certain there is a continuous amount of levelling up that needs to be done in any marriage.

One thing some men really need to understand is that if the women "of the older generation" were to really sit down and tell you what they truly thought of marriage, they will tell you that they suffered! I genuinely believe that if women of the older generation (I'm only speaking about the African aunties because those are the types of women I have spoken to) were free to say what they genuinely thought without fear of cultural backlash, they would tell a lot of us woman not to get married. Not all of the aunties, don't get me wrong, but quite a lot. And the stories they could tell you of the things they had to endure in marriage would really make you cry.

In the past women had to rely on men for a lot of things just in order to live and be somewhat 'successful'. Women could not vote, work in certain areas and so there were a lot of limitations to the life they could live on their own without a man. 2021, things are different. Woman have a lot more control over what they can and cannot achieve in their lives with or without a man and so marriage is no longer a necessity for an 'easier and more successful' life, it is now a choice to be made where previously there wasn't always one for a lot of women.

What is it really like to be married?

If you are married to the right person for you, even with their flaws, marriage is absolutely lovely. Married to the wrong person for you, marriage is absolutely hell. So it's extremely important you know what your core values are and that they align with the person you are planning on marrying. The things that are a big NO need to be discussed because those are things that more than likely have no room for compromise. That being said though, there is a need to understand that just as children change as they grow, we also change as we get older and so we should always be willing to put in a lot of work for the other person and ourselves. Work in our personal development and understanding of ourselves and work in understanding the other person's development journey and how they evolve. I do not believe the core values of a person ever really truly change however they way they may love or want to be loved (love languages), the way they communicate, the way they think about life, etc, may change. The man I got with in college, broke with, got back with uni and the man I am married to now are not the same. Same person, yes, but he has grown and evolved into a better version of himself. We both have.

Side note: A great book to read on love languages is a book by Gary Chapman. Click the image for the link.

To people that know me I'm sure that I probably sound like a broken record, but if there is one thing I would say focus on getting excellent at with your partner, its communication. Continuous open and honest dialog and the ability to be vulnerable with each other will take you such a long way in your relationship. DO NOT ASSUME! People have this idea that "we've been together for X amount of time, so they should know me by now" and that is the worst thing you can do for your relationship. My husband and I had expectations of each other when Ivy was born but we never communicated them because "he/she should know me by now". As said before, people change so the one thing you need to be able to always do is communicate no matter how challenging or awkward you think things may be. This is your life long partner, learn to deal with whatever the awkwardness and challenge may be with communication but always communicate!

Yes but we talk!

Talking is not what I'm on about here when I say you need to be able to communicate. People can talk AT each other without talking TO each other, it does not mean you are effectively communicating. - If you don't understand, take time to think about it ooo. Drop me a DM and we can chat!

One example that our therapist took and used to help us understand the levels of communication we needed to be aiming for was our issue with laundry. Small I know, but hear me out because it helped to really break things down for us personally. I expected my husband to pack laundry away if I have put it in the washing machine, hung it up when it was done and folded it up into the laundry basket when it was dry. He had an expectation that I would always tell him when I wanted him to put the laundry away - [ I used to get so annoyed at the fact that I always had to tell him to do something for it to get done - do we not live in the same damn house? Can you not see it? Do you not have eye?... but I digress. ] - We both had expectations but we never communicated these to each other because we just assumed that the other person should know. What we learnt was that we needed to catch ourselves whenever we began to get upset over things that the other person "should" know. Stop, take a breath and say it out. "Babe, whenever I do the laundry, are you okay with putting the clothes away. I don't like always having to ask you, so whenever you see the basket are you okay with packing it all away?". Doing things this way does not mean he will say yes but it opens up the door of communication for him to tell me what he would like/expect and from there we can find a middle ground we are both happy with. This only works if your partner recognises that you are communicating your expectations and reciprocates. It's not about being a yes man, it's not abut starting an argument (so watch your tone and body language), it's about being open and honest with each other.

It sounds so silly but when you break things down to this level with EVERYTHING, you find that you effectively communicate about so much more and there is never room left for assumptions. This is not an easy thing to do and you won't always get it right, especially when you start to talk about more difficult situations. The idea though is that you are able to catch yourself in the moment when you are saying "they should know this", because if you are getting to the point of being upset about what they "should know" then they probably don't know. This has really helped us when we've had issues with finances, when I was dealing with postpartum depression, when my husband got shot and even now when we are both dealing with our own traumas.

What's a piece of advice would you give to someone who is single?

If you haven't guessed it by now, learn to communicate with others as if your life depends on it. Family, friends and co-workers. The ability to effectively communicate isn't just exclusive to romantic relationships.

Another thing I would also say is enjoy being single and getting to know yourself. Like for real for real, live your best life, focus on your personal development and get your money up! There is no better time to get to know you than when you are on your own and not having to consider another person in everything you do. There is a season for everything and so if you are in your single season really make the most of it and work towards being the version of yourself you would be extremely proud of and would want to be with.

Understand this while you are single, marriage is not one size fits all! What we are shown in movies and on social media is not what it has to be for everybody. The two that enter into that union are the ones who decide what works for them and run with it! Some may decide that living in two separate houses next to each other is what works, some may decide that having separate bedrooms is what is best, heck some may even decide living in different countries is better. It doesn't matter. So long as the two of you are in agreement of what you want your marriage to be like and are happy, you're sweet!

It's also very much okay not to want to get married. Deciding that you do not want to get married and would like to stay single does not make you mentally insane, although society may try to make you feel like something is wrong for not wanting what you have been told to want. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not getting married!

I know technically that's four pieces of advice but I get very passionate talking about this so enjoy!